o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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