He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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