So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
