im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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