so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
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Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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