Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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