I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
