this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
