I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
