I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
