fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
