That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
