Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
