Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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