Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
