My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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