just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
