Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Drake has all the answers
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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