i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
