My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
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