I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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