So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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