I wish I could teleport
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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