I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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