Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
