he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
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i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
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ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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