Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
