I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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