My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
