ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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