Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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