What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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