so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
