and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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