you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
