I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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