I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Still dying that you shit outside
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
