I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
