Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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