even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
