somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
