What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
