I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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