My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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