I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
