I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize