You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Randomize
