Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
there is puke in my bra ... again
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