I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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