$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
