I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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