i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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