I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Randomize
