I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
