if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
