we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
